One Month

Dear Nick,

Happy Birthday Nick. You are getting to be such a big boy. A whole two pounds, nine ounces. I can't believe that you have been in my life for a month. My only wish is that you were home with me now. I know that you are in the best place possible for you right now. You will be home soon. I can't wait for that.

This last month has been life changing in so many ways. I never knew that I could love something as much as I love you. I have heard other parents try to describe the love they feel for their kids, but until you have your own, you don't fully understand it. I would do anything in this world for you Nick. Please always remember that.

Your personality has really come out in the last week or so. I have been coming to see you every day and I am amazed at the changes I have seen in you. For the first few weeks, I think you knew I was there, but I never felt like you really cared if I was there or not. You just slept. The last week has been amazing for me. Every time I come to see you, I talk to you. You always open your eyes and look for me. You can't keep them open very often, but you always look at me. I feel so special. I love looking into your sweet eyes and talking to you.

Also, when you cry... usually after the nurses make you mad, I put my hand on your head and your back, and you always stop crying right away. I am so thankful that I can be there to comfort you when you need it.

The last month has been hard for me. I sometimes feel like I am not always able to be there for you when you need it. Today, that changed. You had a little bit of a rough morning. You kept dropping your sats. Your oxygen level would go down below 80. When your sats were above 80, it was just barely. They had to turn your oxygen up to 47%. (normally, your oxygen level is at about 25%) You would do that many times. When I came to see you, you did that three times in 20 minutes. I thought the doctors wouldn't let me hold you today, but they did. We got to do kangaroo care. They put you on my chest. Your sats came up immediately. Your oxygen level came up to 88-92 and stayed there. I just held you. I talked to you, I listened to you breathe, I felt your hands move on my skin, I kissed your fingers. Here it is 5 hours later, and no desats, not one since I held you. The doctors even did an x-ray on you. They thought there might be a reason for your desats. No reason though, you had no fluid. They were even able to turn your oxygen back down to 27%. You just needed some time with mommy. Thank you for that Nick. You have no idea how much I needed that today.

I think today was the first time I felt like a mommy. I felt like I was doing something to actually help you. That felt so wonderful. And I absolutely loved kissing your fingers! That was the best.

You are also starting to get a reputation in the NICU. You sometimes can have a little bit of a temper. Anytime any of the nurses or doctors do anything to you, you get really mad. You cry, and make fists. It is adorable. You totally deserve to have a tantrum. I know you get tired of being messed with. The nurses think it is cute too. Even the doctors know you have little tantrums. Please don't do that to mommy when you come home. Mommy might not think it is so cute later in life.

Nick, life won't always be easy. I guess you are learning that lesson early in life. I am going to do everything in my power to give you the best life possible. Please know that your are the most important person in my life. I love you Nick. Happy one month birthday.

Love,
Mommy