Dear Nick,

Dear Nick,

I know, I usually write on the first of the month. Today is a special day though. The first of the month is only two days away, anyway, so I figured I could write today and it would cover both. Today, was my due date. I think about what my life would have been like if you would have been able to wait. The last few months have certainly been stressful. Maybe my life would have been easier if I were able to stay pregnant for a few more months. Given everything, I wouldn't wish it to be that way. I got to meet you and hold you and love you for a full 3 months earlier than I should have. I am lucky to have had that opportunity.

I looked at you today while I held you and wondered what you would look like if I were meeting you for the first time today. Would you look the same? You face so cute and so sweet. I wondered what my day today would have been like. I am sad that I didn't get to be awake and witness your birth. I am sad that I didn't even get to see you for 12 hours after you were born, or hold you for the first time until 3 weeks after you were born. Then again, I got to hold you 2 1/2 months before I was supposed to.

How things have changed since the last time I wrote to you. You are so BIG now. 6lbs 11 ounces. I can't believe it. You are still on oxygen, but only a nasal cannula, and you are on a low setting. We are concentrating on getting you to take bottles now. You do well with it sometimes, and other times, it seems as though you are too tired to be able to take it. That is okay though, you are trying, and right now, that is all that matters. I try to give you pep talks every day. This is really the last hurdle you have to surpass in order to come home. I know it will come soon.

Home... I thought the last time I wrote to you, that this time, you would be home. I am sad that you aren't here with me now. I know that you will be home soon. You just have a few more weeks, I hope.

I still hold you and love on you everyday. Sometimes when I kiss your neck you squirm and grunt, but that's okay. I know it probably annoys you, but I will keep doing it. You still lay on my chest everyday and sleep, and it is still the best part of my day.

You are such a strong willed, some may say stubborn, little boy. The other day, I was giving you a bottle, and you thought you should be done with it, so you clamped your mouth shut, and wouldn't open it. You were just exerting your will. We may have to have a discussion about that at a later time, but for now, it is okay.

Keep working Nick. You are getting so big and strong. I know it is only a matter of time before I get to hold you all the time. I know that you will be home soon, and we can start our life together. A life I know will be filled with laughter, giggles, and lots and lots of love.

Love you little man,

Mommy

This is what I see everyday when I hold you: