Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
While I am not sure that I would classify my emotions as post traumatic stress syndrome, I don't know that I can fully classify my emotions. I know I felt an overwhelming sense of dread when I was discharged from the hospital. Not being right down the hall from Nick was extremely hard. I know that I called the NICU first thing every morning, and last thing every night to check. I often called during the day, especially if he was having difficulties, or procedures. I often called in the middle of the night when I got up to pump. I remember being so incredibly careful with my cell phone, as I felt that was my only life line to my son. I would sometimes check my phone numerous times in an hour to be sure they didn't call. I went to the hospital every day, all 111 of them.
I remember jumping, and my heart leaping out of my chest when my phone rang, and I saw the hospital number on the phone. I remember reading every thing I could get my hands on about preemie babies, what to expect, what could happen, and looking for the ominous signs in my own son. I remember his bad days where his heart rate would drop in the 40's and my heart would drop then race, watching the monitor every second to see him recover. The hardest days were his bad days. The days when he would have multiple apnea spells a day.
It was the most incredibly hard time in my life, and I never want to relive it. I sympathize with every parent who has been through that, is going through it, or will go through it. I wish that I could say something to make it better, but I can't.
The only thing I know for sure, is Nick is okay. He is home, where I can be with him hours a day, instead of minutes. He is home where I can hug him, love him, kiss him, and care for him every minute of the day if I choose.
There are after effects of the NICU. I know that any type of sniffle sends me almost into a panic. I know that certain things can be so much more dangerous for Nick, but despite all that, he is here. I admit, I still go check on him every night, put my hand on his back to feel his breathing, and maybe I will do that for a while. Everyday, I get a little more confident that everything will be okay.
While I sometimes grieve the loss of things "normal' with bringing home a baby, I know that for both Nick and myself, this whole experience has meaning. I have faith in God that there was a reason, it can only make us stronger. At the very least, he will have a great story to tell when he gets older. How many kids can say I only weighed 1 pound 8 ounces. That among many other things makes Nick incredibly special!
Friday, August 21, 2009
While it has taken 8 months for my little guy to grow into his outfit, despite the tags 3-6 month size. The most important thing is that he is in it, and apparently happy about it.
The other day, I was in Carter's. They had a good sale, and I was trying to get a jump on some fall/winter clothing. Anyway, I saw the most adorable birthday outfit for Nick's one year. I started through the rack, looking for the 6 month outfits. When I voiced my displeasure that they had none, my mom reminded me that they would not have any. They don't make 6 month birthday clothes. As I was voicing my displeasure, another woman overheard us. She asked why Nick was so small. When I told her he was a preemie, she started talking to me about her preemie. She had a son as well. She was actually at Carter's looking for t-shirts and shorts. Her son was 3, and potty-training, but he only fits into 18 month clothes, which are still a lot of onesies, with snaps. Not a good combination for a potty training child.
It occurred to me, after going back and reading Cindy, AJ's mom's comments, that AJ, who was only slightly smaller than Nick at birth, can fit into 18 month clothes at 5. I guess what strikes me, is all the doctors say that 95% of preemies catch up by the time they are 3. Somehow, I think their statistic may be a little off.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Anyway, I asked a lot of questions, he seemed to be ok, but of course I was freaking out. I thought about taking him to that urgent care clinic. I decided to call his doctor's office and speak to the nurse on call. It took a while for her to call me back. In the mean time, I had arrived at my mom's house, and he seemed fine. He was talking, kicking, smiling, etc. He had no signs of bruising or anything like that. He really seemed fine, but I couldn't get it out of my head that if something happened to him, I would never forgive myself. I went back and forth debating on taking him for like an hour. I finally decided to take him home, keep him awake for a while and wait for the nurse on call to call me back.
He ate dinner fine,(whole jar of peas, whole jar of bananas) and right after the nurse called. She got some info, and decided that she too felt like he was fine, but to not let him go to sleep until 8pm at the earliest, but if I could keep him up until 9 that would be good. Now, he had not had a nap since like 4:30, so you can imagine the pile crankiness that he was last night. Anyway, she also wanted me to wake him every two hours through out the night. Make sure he was moving ok, no bruising, opening his eyes focusing etc. So, I put him down at 8, then got up EVERY TWO HOURS. Yep, 10, midnight, 2am, 4am, and 6 am. I finally stopped worrying about him at 4 am when I woke him, he smiled, started kicking and decided that it was time to play, and he did not want to go back to sleep.
I believe the right term is "baptism by fire". Honestly, with all that he has been through you would think I would be used to this, but I guess you never get used to worrying about your child.
Monday, August 17, 2009
He definitely does better when he has a toy!
Mocha helps with tummy time. Nick is always more likely to actually stay on his tummy when one of the dogs participates in tummy time.
Those of you who know me well, know that I LOVE shoes. It is a sickness that I am happy to own up to, but one I will never change. Have you ever noticed the adorable shoes for babies? They are sometime irresistible. While I love shoes, I fully appreciate the fact that babies, don't. So, Nick owns, 3 pairs of shoes. He owned 2 pairs until this weekend, when I saw a pair of shoes that I could not resist purchasing for him
I think they are adorable! (By the way, on my computer, this photo is horizontal, don't know why it is flipped) Anyway, had to get these. It isn't quite cold enough for them yet, and right now, when he wears them, his main goal is taking them off and putting them in his mouth, but the really were just too cute to not buy. Technically, they are slippers, so they aren't really "shoes" right?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Some friends at my exercise class suggested I try Nick with some "big people" foods, to try to encourage a little weight gain. I thought I might give it a try. I made some home made mashed potatoes. (With Nick's formula, not milk or butter.) He liked them. This weekend, his grandma offered him a little guacamole. Loved that too. I bought him an avocado, and he has added a half an avocado to his daily meals. He loves the avocado. It has good fat, and great vitamins. I hope to make him some homemade squash and peas soon.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I am sorry I was a day late in posting this. We were so busy yesterday, running errands, and all that we do on the weekend. You are such a trooper to run around with me. I feel like you have changed so much in the last month. Do I say that every month?
I swear you grew 3 inches over the last two weeks! I know you probably haven't, but you have been growing. While your weight seems to never catch up to standards good enough for the doctors, your height is great. I think that is part of your weight issue, you just keep getting taller and taller. That and your CONSTANT movement.
You spend your time during the day playing, talking, rolling over to one side and back again. Your favorite time of day is breakfast and dinner. You are so social, that the opportunity to sit and have a "conversation" with me over peas, is fantastic to you. You always smile and laugh when I feed you.
It is always a toss up for me what my favorite part of the day is. I love feeding you, but at night, after you have had your bath, and bottle, and are just laying in my arms, words can never express the peace and love that I feel. You lay on my shoulder, and every once in a while, you will pop your head up and look at me and smile. You could probably ask for anything in the world at that moment, and I would get it for you.
You continue to be the biggest blessing in my life. You make me smile, you make me laugh. You are an amazing little boy. I can't wait to see what you do next.
Love you Nick,